The Rock as President: Which WWE Superstars Make His Cabinet?
May 12, 2017 - WWEBRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/Getty Images
Former WWE Superstar and highest-paid actor in Hollywood Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson recently pronounced it’s a “real possibility” he will run for boss in a future. So, there’s a “real possibility” that someone is going to get a Rock Bottom in a Oval Office. Am we conference that correctly? That there’s a “real possibility” Syrian President Bashar Assad is removing checked into a Smackdown Hotel? Yes, we know that a Rock is a “character” and “not indeed a chairman in genuine life.” Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t flip brazen into a soft-serve fro-yo figure naturally, either.
We’re all vital in a unusual surrealist portrayal come to life right now, so let’s welcome it. Let’s elect The Rock a subsequent boss given he pronounced so in GQ. After all, don’t we wish a personality who indeed knows how to take a Stone Cold Stunner rather than one who simply goes baggy and falls on his face like a 300-pound bag of dry macaroni?
In a universe in that The Rock is president, his cupboard must, by definition, underline other characters from WWE. His selecting genuine tellurian beings is not usually boring—it creates subsequent to no sense. If we consider I’m wrong, well, it doesn’t matter what we think in The Rock’s America.
Here, then, is The Rock’s cabinet—the People’s Cabinet, or during slightest we wish it’s a People’s Cabinet. Let’s assume this is a babyface Rock we’re traffic with, given we already have a Corporate Cabinet now. And if we consider that was a narrow-minded joke, let me remind we that a stream Secretary of State was a CEO of ExxonMobil until a few months ago.
The People’s Secretary of State
This is a essentially tactful position, requiring a chairman in a pursuit to transport to far-flung nations, encourage compatibility and defuse conflicts between universe powers. That immediately disqualifies many veteran wrestling characters, since, some-more mostly than not, they are starting conflicts and elucidate them with their fists rather than articulate them through.
That’s given I’m selecting former WWE manager Brother Love, as portrayed by Bruce Prichard in a late 1980s and early 1990s. Brother Love was a satire of a televangelists of a era, like Jim Bakker, who spewed burning invectives and released unrelenting warnings to non-believers. That doesn’t sound really wholesome, though Brother Love’s catchphrase, “Just given we adore you, doesn’t meant we like you,” is a ideal kind of doublespeak for general diplomacy.
The People’s Press Secretary
As we’ve seen from past press secretaries, a idea is to speak around a many forked questions, anticipating a dizzying series of difference we separate out will upset as many reporters as possible. What we need here is someone who can cut a long, labyrinth promo that confuses a White House press corps. Something like, “People are sheep, we know me. They can’t lead themselves; they need to be led. People buy and sell fear. They ceremony war, they crave war, though I’m not fearful of their wars. we combined war. And we consider it’s time for a masses to arise up. Wake up. WAKE UP! Wake adult and demeanour during this distortion they’re vital in, man!”
Congratulations, Press Secretary Bray Wyatt! Now, explain to me how Randy Orton got behind to a locus after he left a House of Horrors.
The People’s Secretary of Transportation
America runs on Diesel Power now, folks. Secretary of Transportation Kevin Nash’s initial central movement is to book himself to win a annual White House Easter Egg hunt. When asked how he feels examination all those children great on a White House lawn, Nash says, “It was best for business.”
The genuine Kevin Nash is not indeed a lorry driver, nor does he have any sold knowledge in government. Then again, conjunction does a impression Diesel. That said, he does have beautiful, pleasing hair. That’s gotta mount for something.
The People’s Attorney General
There’s usually one male we wish in assign of a United States’ authorised system: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Before he takes a job, we’re going to have to rename a position “Sheriff of America” and squeeze him a special ATV that he can float from a White House to a Supreme Court Building.
The People’s Secretary of Defense
Sgt. Slaughter. Not usually does he know a military, though he’s also a former officer of a Iraqi Army. There can’t presumably be a improved chairman to assistance support a Iraqi allies than that guy.
The People’s Secretary of a Treasury
I can already hear everybody screaming “Million Dollar Man,” though that’s absurd. The Million Dollar Man usually knows how to spend money. He doesn’t know formidable mercantile process or how to order regulations on a banking complement that will extent abuses from a private sector, though also don’t unduly shorten growth. If we adore inflation, by all means, collect Ted DiBiase. My choice is Stephanie McMahon. Sure, she’s vindictive, implicitly controversial and presumably crazy (the character, that is), though she’s also really rich and has been neat given birth to say and grow that wealth. Do we even know how a Million Dollar Man done his money? No, we don’t. For all we know, a briefcase full of money could have depressed out of a sky.
Secretary of Energy
Who has some-more appetite than a Ultimate Warrior? All that using and screaming. You get it.
The many critical position in a president’s middle round is, of course, a VP. No one has shown some-more chemistry with The Rock than Mick Foley. The Rock’n’Sock Connection is one of a many dear tab teams in WWE story and is obliged for the highest-rated segment in Monday Night Raw’s decades on a air. They competence not always agree, though that’s what we wish from a inaugurated officials—healthy discuss and constructive tension, like Lincoln’s Team of Rivals or a 2004 Los Angeles Lakers. Added bonus: Foley gives all of his press briefings by Mr. Socko.